the love of my life... i need to move on....

This girl has my heart and i need it back! we were so cute together. we did any and everything together. we definitely had more bad moments then good. but the good moments over powered the bad ones. well for me at least. we were best friends for a few years. then we started dating. and it was one hell of a ride for me. i turned into this person that neither of us knew. and it drove us both crazy. i was this happy, outgoing, motivated, non jealous, non insecure person. and thats what i think she fell in love with. but after hearing she cheated on me within the first couple months of us dating thats when it all changed. i started becoming jealous, insecure in the relationship, not happy, and just all around crazy. i started noticing changes in her but her changes werent good. i tried to point out what i didnt like and all that did would start arguments. and it hurt. it hurt everytime we would go to sleep angry. and wake up and see her. but she would act like nothing was wrong while i was still sitting there hurt and wanted to talk about things. but she never took the time to talk. she would always hide what she was feeling. until i do something or say something so little then shed explode. i always wanted her to talk to me. but she never had the time. thats what it felt like. i put my all into the relationship. my biggest fear was losing her. and when it finally happened (for the first time) i got diagnosed with depression. i mean this girl meant so much to me that i became clinically depressed. put on medicine for anxiety and depression. put on sleeping pills so i could be able to sleep. i mean it was rough. but now its been like 2 years since weve been done and any normal person would be moved on and dating other people. but ive just been so guarded and so afraid to cauz i dont wanna hurt her and i dont wanna hurt someone else. i know ive been blogging about another guy and this may sound confusing but hes technically the first guy that ive been determined to have since kelli. and maybe thats why ive been so confused and scared with him. i dont know. all i know is kelli still has my heart. shes not gonna give it back any time soon cauz i know she doesnt want me to be with anyone else. but its not fair to me cauz she can be with whoever she wants while im sitting there. im up on my feet and moving slowly.... but im still hurting. when will the hurting be over? when will i finally have the courage to walk faster and say kelli were done just let me go? it just hurts still, after 2 years. i dont wanna be alone for the rest of my life and wonder about her and beat myself up over not having her. Please let me let go!