the love of my life... i need to move on....

This girl has my heart and i need it back! we were so cute together. we did any and everything together. we definitely had more bad moments then good. but the good moments over powered the bad ones. well for me at least. we were best friends for a few years. then we started dating. and it was one hell of a ride for me. i turned into this person that neither of us knew. and it drove us both crazy. i was this happy, outgoing, motivated, non jealous, non insecure person. and thats what i think she fell in love with. but after hearing she cheated on me within the first couple months of us dating thats when it all changed. i started becoming jealous, insecure in the relationship, not happy, and just all around crazy. i started noticing changes in her but her changes werent good. i tried to point out what i didnt like and all that did would start arguments. and it hurt. it hurt everytime we would go to sleep angry. and wake up and see her. but she would act like nothing was wrong while i was still sitting there hurt and wanted to talk about things. but she never took the time to talk. she would always hide what she was feeling. until i do something or say something so little then shed explode. i always wanted her to talk to me. but she never had the time. thats what it felt like. i put my all into the relationship. my biggest fear was losing her. and when it finally happened (for the first time) i got diagnosed with depression. i mean this girl meant so much to me that i became clinically depressed. put on medicine for anxiety and depression. put on sleeping pills so i could be able to sleep. i mean it was rough. but now its been like 2 years since weve been done and any normal person would be moved on and dating other people. but ive just been so guarded and so afraid to cauz i dont wanna hurt her and i dont wanna hurt someone else. i know ive been blogging about another guy and this may sound confusing but hes technically the first guy that ive been determined to have since kelli. and maybe thats why ive been so confused and scared with him. i dont know. all i know is kelli still has my heart. shes not gonna give it back any time soon cauz i know she doesnt want me to be with anyone else. but its not fair to me cauz she can be with whoever she wants while im sitting there. im up on my feet and moving slowly.... but im still hurting. when will the hurting be over? when will i finally have the courage to walk faster and say kelli were done just let me go? it just hurts still, after 2 years. i dont wanna be alone for the rest of my life and wonder about her and beat myself up over not having her. Please let me let go!

Drama drama drama....

I hate drama! whoever likes it i think should like kill themselves. its so stupid and pointless. like really. come on now! grow up! hahah. it just sucks though, cauz its between my best friend and someone who ive grown to really love as a person. and they happen to be ex's but are like best friends. i dont know its complicated to explain. so anyway. there both named samantha. so my best friend i call her sammy. and the person ive grown to love ill call her sam. so anyway. sammy is still like in love with sam and really wants her back and she hasnt given up on trying. well since theyre broken up sam has every right to get with whoever she wants and do whatever she wants. sammy doesnt need to know about. and if sam wants to tell her then she can. its up to sam. so sam decided to tell sammy about shit thats she done with another girl. and sammy took it way too far. saying you never told me and at the end of that calls sam a slut. im sorry. i love sammy to death. but joking or not..... you do not call someone you love a slut. especially if you want them back. its just low and wrong. like i definitely want sammy to come to me and talk to me about it. and if she asks for my opinion then im gonna give it to her... but even if she doesnt ask for it shes still gonna hear it. cauz its really wrong! i hate that shit. i hate when anyone throws anything that someone else has done into someones face. especially shit that they've done. ugh. frustrates me to no end!

25 THINGS THAT I LOVE

1. 
   
   MONSTER<3
   
   
2. 
   
   Myself
   
   
   
3. 
   
   Sunny days
   
   
   
4. 
   
   Spring
   
   
   
5. 
   
   Winter
   
   
   
6. 
   
   Snow
   
   
   
7. 
   
   Music
   
   
   
8. 
   
   Kim kardashian
   
   
   
9. 
   
   Lions
   
   
   
10. 
    
    Britney spears
    
    
    
11. 
    
    Make up
    
    
    
12. 
    
    Having that someone to make me laugh
    
    
    
13. 
    
    Kissing
    
    
    
14. 
    
    Hugging
    
    
    
15. 
    
    Texting
    
    
    
16. 
    
    Love
    
    
    
17. 
    
    Smiles
    
    
    
18. 
    
    Laughter
    
    
    
19. 
    
    Writing
    
    
    
20. 
    
    Poetry
    
    
    
21. 
    
    Warm showers
    
    
    
22. 
    
    Red
    
    
    
23. 
    
    Pink
    
    
    
24. 
    
    Silver
    
    
    
25. 
    
    My ipod
    
    
    Hehehe. Im so bored. Im probably not done with blogs tonight.
    
    
    

TEN THINGS THAT I HATE

*Stupid ass people

*Little girls who think theyre grown

*People who talk shit without knowing whats really going on

*When you tell someone whats going on with you because you feel like you can confide in them and trust that they wont say anything to anyone but they betray you and tell other people

*Ignorance

*Mayo

*Stupid boys who think they know what love is but they really dont

*Liars

*Manipulaters

*Winter without snow

Im just in a very weird mood. Ill probably post another blog with things that i love. lol. =D

ugh.

i absolutely hate this love crap! its just too much for me sometimes. like i know where i stand with him. but i just dont know where he stands with me. hes promised me that he would try his hardest. but right now the only one whose trying is me. i feel like an idiot. i feel like ive known him my whole life. but i really dont think i know him at all. it feels like hes non existant. i think im just making him out to be someone who hes not. and its driving me insane. communication is the main thing i need and want with anyone whose involved with my life. im just scared and freaked out. i dont wanna walk away from someone who could be the "one". but right now im just not too sure. ugh.
i dont want to have these feelings anymore!

Kim Kardashian <3

i absolutely love her. everything about her is just amazing. i can not wait for her perfume to come out. oh! kim and her sisters khloe and kourtney are gonna be making their own line for BEBE!!!! =D iam super excited and can not wait for the line to come out!!!
i know i know im a dork cauz im posting about this stuff. but i mean i just cant help it. she is the main celebrity i would die to meet!!! =D

=)

So I thought it would be pretty cool to start a blog for myself. =D It'll be like my own little "self help" thing. Lol. So I thought I was going to be going out tonight with two friends. But apparently it didnt turn out too well. Lol. Im still at home. But yet Im all ready to go out and have a fun time. =/ Just my luck. It's like I have no life anymore. And i absolutely hate who Im turning out to be. Like im going nowhere pretty damn fast and i really dont like it. i dont do anything all day. i just lay around and watch tv. i dont drive. hell i dont have a license. or a permit. and im 21. i had to quit my job and the outcome of that is me being in so much debt. i hate this i really do. i have 4 bills that i have to pay and i have no way of paying them. every place that i put apps in hasnt called me back. and its driving me nuts. i really need a job. im currently trying to get into the Army. but i dont know whats going on with that. thats gonna be a whole new blog i can just feel it. lol. but anyway. i think im just gonna leave this blog like this. and ill keep updating whenever i can or remember lol.
xoxo