idk

well i know no one reads my blogs. but i just wanna say i hope everyone had a great thanksgiving. i know im a little late with this. lol. but ive just been stressing and stuff over a lot of things. this family life right now that im going through is bringing me down so bad. but i know i cant please everyone. i just gotta please myself. ohh hes on his way back to WA. =D im sure hes on his journey right now to leave iraq. i could not be happier. i have a feeling im not gonna be seeing him on his leave. when he gets to GA. i know that if i dont see him then my thoughts of the army is gonna change. im stopping shit right now for a guy, and i know its not the smartest thing to do and you should never give up on shit just for a guy but i wanna give him a chance since my love life hasnt been so great. i dont wanna pass up the oppurtinity of being happy ya know? but if i dont see him on this leave then im calling up my recruiter and im gonna go from there. cauz im dealing with home bullshit just so i can be with him. ugh. lol. im stupid i know. but i really think he could be the one! <333

A LITTLE RIDICULOUS IF YOU ASK ME...

Mom is giving me and my sister two weeks to get out of the house... i absolutely think its ridiculous. she wants us to get jobs. and she sees how much ive been fucking trying to get one.... and yet she still gets on my back every day about it. im stressed out enough. leave me the fuck alone ya know? well.... the other morning she comes in my room and gets on me about it again. so i flipped out. remind you ive been trying to quit smoking. and i was going through withdrawl. than im stressed out already over other things. and so i flipped out. and she goes well you have two weeks to be out of the house. what the fuck!?!? like shes all i have and she knows that. ive been trying to ask my friend ashley but she hasnt said anything back to me about it. and shes pretty much my only hope unless ill be living on the street. i really cant wait for ricardo to be on his way home. so i can figure shit out from there. but he wont be leaving iraq til december 2. fuck my life. i hate this shit. i know shes really serious about it this time. and it just eats me alive. and she seems to be doing fine at the thought that her two daughters are gonna be homeless. fuck her!

Crazy how things work out.

IAM IN LOVE and its completely different this time. this time im not sure if its smart for me to be in this kind of situation. but it just gets more and more real everyday. he just makes me feel so good about myself. and i feel so special when i talk to him. and like im just so lucky. iam definitely the lucky one. i always thought id end up alone and have no kids and no husband and all that stuff. but hes making it seem so real and that its gonna really happen. and i just couldnt be so happier. my life is definitely turning out a whole lot differently than what i thought it would ever be like. I COULDNT BE HAPPIER.

HE WILL BE ON HIS WAY HOME IN 22 DAYS!!! <3

I just dont know.

im not gonna bold or do anything with this post. lol. ahhhh so.... since this is my little therapy thing imma vent. its time to.

so i hate being the one who helps people. and who everyone relys on to be there. but when im in need of someone to just ask whats wrong? or are you ok? or even be there to listen to me they dont. no ones ever there. we talk about their problems then theyre done talking to me. i just dont get it. i really dont. ive been trying to understand for so long. and ive told myself so many times that i wasnt gonna be that person anymore. but it just never works. maybe its my personality. its a part of who iam. but like i need to stop it. i just dont know how.

so kelli. my ex. the one i mentioned in a previous post. her and her girlfriend were fighting tonight. chelsea [the gf] read messages on kellis myspace. and told kelli that she did it. me and kelli had trust issues. and kelli knows its not good for a relationship. but all she says is i know. i tried helping her. she said i know. thats all she said. maybe thats all she could say. but like 4 years going through the trust shit you would think shed learn. but she hasnt apparently. she puts up her defense and blames the other person. and says she cant trust them. well in my opinion chelsea had every right to do it. cauz kelli hides shit. shes always been that way. so i dont blame chelsea. the one message she read was from me. cauz kelli was telling me that she wants us to be back together and she knows what she has to do and shit. so i told kelli in the message to write to me her reasons why her mind changed. and chelsea read it. soooooooo now chelsea wont talk to me. its not a loss to me. but she is blaming me obviously for what she read. she doesnt see that kelli was the one talking to me about it. her girlfriend was saying it to an ex. that shits not my fault. like people are so fucking retarded. i just cant stand it. and kelli said to chelsea..... this makes me not wanna talk to jamie cauz im afraid youll find out. and all we talk about is me working and shit. like thats a fucking lie. this makes me doubt me and kellis friendship the same fucking way i doubted our relationship. she does not fucking get it!

People make me sick.

HOW CAN ANYONE WANT TO HURT A BABY!?!? ok. i know im NOT a parent. i know im young. im only 21. but i was an aunt at the age of 10. 11 years ago my nephew tyler was born. he has spineabifada. im sure thats spelled wrong. but this medical problem is going to be with him for the rest of his life. anyway. when i was 10 years old i was helping out my sister with tyler and would take care of him. make him bottles, change his diapers, play with him the whole 9 yards. so i kind of got the "motherly instinct" at the age of 10. so i watch nancy grace like its a religion lol. and one breaking news thing is a 7 month old baby girl was just found. she was locked in a 2 by 3 ft cedar box under a bed. no bottle. no toy. no nothing. baking soda was in the box cauz of the baby pooping. clothes surrounded the box so you couldnt hear anything. like why would anyone want to do that to any child?!? it definitely makes me sick. the good news is SHE WAS FOUND ALIVE. the mom and the babysitter are both behind bars right now. i love children. i dont get why any parent would want to do this. there are parents out in this world who can not have babies and would do anything to have a baby. and then theres people who have kids but yet hurt them like that. i really dont understand this world today. iam so glad and grateful that i have a wonderful mom. she raised me by herself pretty much ever since i was 4. she has three girls me included. and she did an amazing job as a single mother. i couldnt ask for more. but my point for this post is IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN NOT TAKE CARE OF A BABY DO NOT HAVE KIDS!!!

IAM SO FRUSTRATED!!!!!

I NEED A JOB SO FRIGGIN BAD that im actually starting to get really frustrated. ive been applying everywhere thats saying theyre hiring but i havent been getting any calls. im already in so much debt with THREE credit cards. yes. i know. its my fault for getting them. but i didnt think i was gonna lose my job unexpectably and have to go into so much fucking debt. like really now. and i have a cell phone bill. sprint waivered my last bill. but this time around its a large amount thats fucking due cauz they like to add fucking pointless charges to my shit. so whenever i get a new fucking phone cauz my dumbass lifted my hoodie up one night and it fell out of my pocket and into the toilet. so when i get my new phone [[which my friend is wiring me the money to get it]] i gotta call sprint and ask them again what i can fucking do. cauz of the fact that i have no job and no money. i hate this shit. i feel like the biggest fucking douche bag around. like really. i asked my friend myself if she could send me the money. I NEVER FUCKING DO THAT! NEVER. and like i hate this. i really do. ugh. I NEED A JOB!

the love of my life... i need to move on....

This girl has my heart and i need it back! we were so cute together. we did any and everything together. we definitely had more bad moments then good. but the good moments over powered the bad ones. well for me at least. we were best friends for a few years. then we started dating. and it was one hell of a ride for me. i turned into this person that neither of us knew. and it drove us both crazy. i was this happy, outgoing, motivated, non jealous, non insecure person. and thats what i think she fell in love with. but after hearing she cheated on me within the first couple months of us dating thats when it all changed. i started becoming jealous, insecure in the relationship, not happy, and just all around crazy. i started noticing changes in her but her changes werent good. i tried to point out what i didnt like and all that did would start arguments. and it hurt. it hurt everytime we would go to sleep angry. and wake up and see her. but she would act like nothing was wrong while i was still sitting there hurt and wanted to talk about things. but she never took the time to talk. she would always hide what she was feeling. until i do something or say something so little then shed explode. i always wanted her to talk to me. but she never had the time. thats what it felt like. i put my all into the relationship. my biggest fear was losing her. and when it finally happened (for the first time) i got diagnosed with depression. i mean this girl meant so much to me that i became clinically depressed. put on medicine for anxiety and depression. put on sleeping pills so i could be able to sleep. i mean it was rough. but now its been like 2 years since weve been done and any normal person would be moved on and dating other people. but ive just been so guarded and so afraid to cauz i dont wanna hurt her and i dont wanna hurt someone else. i know ive been blogging about another guy and this may sound confusing but hes technically the first guy that ive been determined to have since kelli. and maybe thats why ive been so confused and scared with him. i dont know. all i know is kelli still has my heart. shes not gonna give it back any time soon cauz i know she doesnt want me to be with anyone else. but its not fair to me cauz she can be with whoever she wants while im sitting there. im up on my feet and moving slowly.... but im still hurting. when will the hurting be over? when will i finally have the courage to walk faster and say kelli were done just let me go? it just hurts still, after 2 years. i dont wanna be alone for the rest of my life and wonder about her and beat myself up over not having her. Please let me let go!